A quick note – yesterday’s post was so pathetic because I worked a nine-hour day and then spent four hours at the clinic waiting to be seen. It was incredibly draining and left me with basically nothing to say. Today, however, I need to rant.
“How did I become so obnoxious? What is about you that makes me act like this? I’ve never been this nasty.”
– Pink, “Please Don’t Leave Me”
I’ve tried writing the first sentence of this post about seven different ways, but since nothing seems to be working, I’m just going to say it:
If you have been broken up with and have found yourself acting irrationally, irresponsibly, or abusively towards your ex, and if you feel like the above lyrics apply to you, LISTEN UP.
THE WAY YOU ACT IS YOUR OWN GODDAMN RESPONSIBILITY.
Yeah, you may feel like your life is over. You may be unable to understand where things went wrong. You may feel like your ex is a super villain who conspired to ruin your life, and as such deserves every ounce of venom and vitriol you can send their way. You may feel like you don’t have control over yourself, and that you’re such a nice person, usually, it’s not your fault you’ve turned into the Ex from Hell, because they made you do it! It’s their fault for being so mean! And if they would just listen to your ranting voicemails and respond to your Facebook messages and read your maudlin poetry, they would understand your pain and you could get back together and everything would be rainbows and roses!
Well, guess what? It doesn’t work like that.
And the only fault for that kind of behavior lies with you.
Relationships end for many reasons and in many ways. Sometimes they’re mutual, sometimes there’s a clean break, and sometimes one person is left gathering the shattered pieces of their heart from the floor even though the other person spend three hours gently explaining why things weren’t working. And yes, sometimes people are total asswads who don’t care how their actions affect their partner. I hate to sound cruel, but that’s just the way it is.
However, whether you’re the break-upper or the breakee, you can’t control how the other person reacts. The only thing – I repeat, the only fucking thing – you can control is how you react. Blaming the other person like they’re some kind of puppet-master pulling your strings is just a convenient form of self-indulgence that lets you convince yourself that they hold all the power. They don’t! And thinking like that doesn’t allow you the agency to pick yourself back up and move on, it prolongs the healing period for both of you, and it’s manipulative as hell.
So don’t do it. After a breakup is, in my opinion, one of the best times to be totally self-absorbed…in a good way. Focus on yourself. Take care of yourself.
Do what you need to in order to heal – as long as it doesn’t involve the other person.
And for god’s sake, don’t write them poetry.